The Owner's Manual to SHERLOCK
by aquagirl520
Summary: "Congratulations on your purchase of the new SHERLOCK units proudly presented by BBC Inc." Result of becoming 'Sherlocked' and starving for season 3. Hints at Sherlock/John.
1. Sherlock Holmes

**Okay so I know that I'm not going to be the only one doing these… I don't know how many others are out there, but I wrote this on a whim in class yesterday, so might as well post my version :) Hope you all enjoy~**

**Warning: Hints of Sherlock/John**

**Disclaimer: Seriously, if I owned Sherlock, Sherlock and John would be married ages ago.**

Product Name: Sherlock Holmes™

Manufacturer: BBC Inc.

Thank you and congratulations on your purchase of the newest product proudly presented by BBC Inc.- the Sherlock Holmes™ unit. Please read this user's manual very carefully to maintain best condition of your Sherlock Holmes™ unit, and for you own safety.

Your standard kit includes:

a) black trench coat with upturned collar

b) deep blue scarf

c) harpoon

d) revolver

e) violin

f) lab equipments

g) various 'specimens'.

For more accessories, an additional booster pack is available in stores worldwide.

The Sherlock Holmes™ unit comes in the following modes:

(1)BORED

(2)CONSULTING DETECTIVE

(3) TANTRUM, and

(4) FLATMATE (locked)

Upon purchase, Sherlock Homes™ is automatically programmed to BORED mode. In this state, Sherlock Holmes™ will develop a dangerous urge for nicotine, and will stop at nothing to get it. You are advised to burn all cigarettes in your residence, and pay off any nearby store that might sell them to him. Be sure to stock up on nicotine patches, and turn the TV on to lousy soap operas in order to minimize potential damage. It is highly unadvised to leave your unit in BORED mode for too long. If left in BORED mode for a substantial period of time, Sherlock Holmes™ will likely cause severe damage to your property, with actions such as firing shots to your wall or wielding his harpoon about.

If given a mystery he deems worth his time, Sherlock Holmes will immediately switch into CONSULTING DETECTIVE mode. It is advised that you do not move, speak, or even think while your unit is in this mode to prevent random burst of 'Shut up!' and various insults. Be sure to feed your unit in this mode, for he will focus on the case and nothing else. For more efficient crime solving, it is recommended that you purchase the John H. Watson™ unit, and the Molly Hooper™ unit. Be prepared to pay for cab fares and a massive phone bill.

The TANTRUM mode is activated when your unit comes in contact with a Mycroft Homes™ unit. In this mode, Sherlock Holmes will become highly unreasonable and almost impossible to communicate with. Your only hope of making him listen is by getting your John H. Watson™ unit to talk to him. When you unit is in this mode, be sure to bring extra clothes with you, for Sherlock Holmes™ is likely to walk outside with nothing but a sheet on.

The FLATMATE mode can only be activate upon contact with a John H. Watson™ unit. Though Sherlock Holmes™ usually plays the violin and sleeps on the couch in this mode; you may be able to observe unusual behavior of you unit when this mode is activated, such as voluntarily making coffee, buying milk, and even showing emotion.

**WARNINGS:**

I. When in the company of a John H. Watson™ unit, make sure the John H. Watson™ unit does not make contact with female units other than the Mrs. Hudson™ unit (For example, the Sarah Sawyer™ unit), or risk Sherlock Holmes™ snapping into TANTRUM mode.

II. Under no circumstance should you allow your Sherlock Holmes™ to come in contact with a James Moriarty™ unit. Such contact could result in getting stalked by the James Moriarty™ unit, and your unit falling many stories off a rooftop.

The Sherlock Holmes™ unit has many featured functions:

-Analyze you potential love interests: "Is he serious about the relationship?" "Is he seeing someone else?" Never worry about these questions again, for your Sherlock Holmes™ unit will tell you everything there is to know in mere seconds!

-Live concerts: Love classical music? Simply hand Sherlock Holmes™ the violin included in the kit. He will play anything classical piece, or even compose his own.

-Free Attorney: His way of analyzing the jury and knowledge of just the right questions to ask can get you out of any trouble you get into… that or he might get charged with contempt of court.

**Troubleshooting FAQ:**

Q: My Sherlock Holmes™ unit won't stop belittling me, and throwing insults at me. It's driving me mad. Is there anything I can do?

A: The relentless insults might be triggered by you asking him to do your homework for you, or something similar to that. Don't bother trying again, he won't be interested. To stop this behavior, purchase a John H. Watson™ unit to keep him company, or purchase an Anderson™ unit so that he can divert his insults somewhere else.

Q: Sherlock has left my residence in a huge mess. There are lab equipments scattered in the kitchen and a head in the fridge! What should I do?

A: Customers are advised to buy a separate fridge for your unit to store his specimens. Getting him to clean up is impossible. We suggest purchasing a Mrs. Hudson™ unit and putting her in HOUSEKEEPER mode.

Q: My Sherlock™ unit won't stop playing the violin at 3 A.M. in the morning, help!

A: Purchase a John H. Watson unit, and lock him and your unit in a room without the violin. Ideally, Sherlock Holmes™ will become too preoccupied to think about the violin anymore.

For further inquiries and technical issues, feel free to call our customer service line 1800-221-895 and ask for Steven Moffat.

**Thanks for reading, please leave a review~~ :)**

**P.S: Special thanks to the darlings that read, laughed, and wrote me reviews on post-it notes in class, I love you all ^^**


	2. John H Watson

**Part two of the manuals~ I can't believe I forgot to type this up… found it in a pile of ready-to-be-recycled test papers XD Sorry for the wait, if anyone has been waiting for more of these.**

**Disclaimer: Sherlock would say that with my incompetent brain it is impossible for me to have came up with his character.**

Product Name: John Watson™

Manufacturer: BBC Inc.

Thank you and congratulations on the purchase of you John H. Watson unit. For best condition of your unit, and your own safety, please read the following instructions carefully.

Your standard kit includes:

a) walking stick

b) laptop

c) the credit card of S. Holmes, and

d) mobile phone

For additional accessories, a booster pack is available in stores worldwide.

The John H. Watson™ comes in the following modes:

(1) DEFAULT

(2) FLATMATE (locked)

(3) BLOGGER (locked) , and

(4) BAD DAY

Your unit will be in DEFAULT settings upon purchase. In this state, John H. Watson™ will coop himself up in whichever living space you provide him with, refuse to answer calls, stare blankly at his laptop, and other unproductive things. He will also require the walking stick found in your standard kit to get around.

To set your John H. Watson™ into another mode, purchase a Sherlock Holmes™ unit. Keep in mind that long-term separation from said unit might cause your John H. Watson™ unit to lapse back to the DEFAULT settings.

The FLATMATE mode is triggered by steady contact with a Sherlock Holmes™ unit. In this mode, John H. Watson™ will frequent the local grocery store, and make excellent coffee (two sugars, please). Remember to equip him with cash or the credit card belonging to S. Holmes included in you standard kit, or you will find John H. Watson™ engaging in rows with the self-service machines. In this mode, John H. Watson displays extraordinary tolerance to dismembered body parts in the fridge or microwave.

The BLOGGER mode is triggered when the Sherlock Holmes™ unit goes into CASE mode. In this mode, John H. Watson™ will follow Sherlock Holmes™ at his heels, provide his medical expertise, and documenting the details (usually found unimportant by Sherlock Holmes™) of the cases. He will spend a large amount of time typing away on his blog afterwards. It is advised that you keep the Sherlock Holmes™ unit away at these times to prevent endless complaining.

Customers are advised to prevent the John H. Watson™ unit from going into BAD DAY mode. If your unit is in this mode, approach with caution, as he is known to have killed people while this mode. This mode can be triggered when harm comes to a Sherlock Holmes™ unit, when contact with the James Moriarty™ unit persists, or if you Sherlock Holmes™ unit have been in contact with an Irene Adler™ unit. Offer him coffee made by Sherlock Holmes™ (unfortunately with sugar in it), and he might just calm down a bit.

The John H. Watson™ unit has many featured functions:

-Personal assistant- Need someone to keep the bills and checkbooks straight? Run out of milk? Need someone to pass you a pen? John H. Watson™ makes the perfect live-in!

-Rehab at home- Dealing with problems of addiction? You John H. Watson™ unit will make sure you quit cold turkey! (Function may not work on Sherlock Holmes™ unit)

-Personal Physician- From the common cold to getting a few cuts and bruises from CIA agents breaking into your home, your John H. Watson™ will have you fixed up in no time!

**Troubleshooting and FAQs: **

Q: My John H. Watson™ unit has been taken away by a black car, and now I can't find him! What should I do?

A: Don't worry, he is likely in the company of a Mycroft Holmes™ unit. Rest assured that he's fine. However, if you need to find him quickly, either get you Sherlock Holmes™ unit to track him down, or send him a text message informing him that there is danger where you are. He'll find you soon enough.

Q: My John H. Watson™ unit is dating and getting my Sherlock Holmes™ unit stuck in TANTRUM mode, help!

A: Find an Irene Adler™ unit, get her in contact with you Sherlock Holmes™ unit (note interesting interaction between two units), and then let your John H. Watson™ unit have a little chat with Irene Adler™. That should solve the problem.

If there are more inquiries or technical issues, feel free to contact us at 1800-221-895. Ask for Mark Gatiss.

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**Reviews are much appreciated and they make my day =) **


	3. Mrs Hudson

**So, I've received some requests for more Sherlock manuals, so I've decided to do a few more (watching Sherlock over and over again is excellent motivation, as well). I can safely say that I'll be making one for Moriarty and maybe Irene Adler, but others are pending on whether or not I have the inspiration ;)**

**Disclaimer: Me, own Sherlock? *dies laughing***

Product Name: Mrs. Hudson™

Manufacturer: BBC Inc.

Thank you and congratulations on your purchase of the Mrs. Hudson™ unit, a limited edition unit proudly presented by BBC Inc. For your own safety, and to maintain best condition of said unit, please read the following instructions very carefully.

Your standard kit includes:

Death certificate of husband, laminated and framed

Victoriana-esque high-collared blouses (nothing in cerise, of course)

Tea and biscuits

Herbal soothers

221 Baker Street (basement still available for rent)

For more accessories, a booster pack is available in stores worldwide.

The Mrs. Hudson™ unit comes in the following modes:

LANDLADY

HOUSEKEEPER (locked)

_Additional modes are still under development, and will be available for upgrade soon. We thank you for your patience. For any questions or complaints about this delay please contact Mr. Steven Moffat through our customer service line. –BBC Inc._

Upon purchase, you unit will be automatically programmed to LANDLADY mode. When your unit is in this mode, please pay special attention to the condition of your living space. Mrs. Hudson™ will NOT appreciate any damage to the walls, whether they had it coming or not, and it will most definitely come out of your rent. Living in 221B will not come cheap, unless you a) had something to do with the death certificate in standard kit, or b) purchase a Sherlock Holmes™ unit.

The HOUSEKEEPER mode will be unlocked once you purchase both Sherlock Holmes™ and John H. Watson™ units. Once your unit is in this mode, you will be seeing a lot of those tea and biscuits in the standard kit. In this mode, Mrs. Hudson™ will clean the flat regularly and even do your laundry. Keep in mind, however, that your unit has a bad hip and that it is best not to let her use the stairs too often. (Recommend treatment: herbal soothers included in standard kit)

**WARNINGS**

I. For the national safety of England, under no circumstance should you or your John H. Watson™ unit attempt to make Mrs. Hudson™ leave Baker Street.

II. DO NOT be rude to your unit, or you'll find yourself at the mercy of an angry Sherlock Holmes™ unit, and a John H. Watson unit in BAD DAY mode.

III. Have your will ready should any harm comes to your unit on your account. Those who harm Mrs. Hudson™ have been reported to suffer a few broken ribs, fractured skull, and suspected punctured lung due to 'falling from a window'

IV. When your Sherlock Holmes™ and John H. Watson™ units deal with villains, be sure to avoid damaging the bins, as to prevent further distress of your Mrs. Hudson unit.

The Mrs. Hudson™ unit has many featured functions:

-Guest in the house and the only things in the fridge are human parts and an expired jar of pickled olives? Mrs. Hudson™ will whip up punch and a bowl of nibbles in no time! (Function works best on Mondays)

-Foreign agents searching for camera phone containing classified information in your possession? The Mrs. Hudson™ unit is brilliant at keeping secrets and an even more brilliant actress whose fake crying will throw them off their track!

**Troubleshooting and FAQs:**

Q: My unit stopped speaking to me after I had a row with my brother, what should I do?

A: Apologize profusely, for starters, and if you haven't already, we recommend giving your unit a new laptop so she wouldn't have to keep borrowing it from Marie Turner™. Shame on you, family is all we have in the end, you know.

Q: My unit keeps telling me that there's a cab waiting for me, but I never called for one! What's going on?

A: Don't worry, that's just your everyday serial-killing cabby. Stay calm and notify your Sherlock Holmes™ unit of the cab. After he's left in said cab, hand John H. Watson™ a gun and tell him that Sherlock is in danger. You shouldn't be bothered by this problem again.

Q: There's quite bit of yelling going on downstairs, and I'm a bit worried about my unit. Any advice?

A: Oh don't you worry, that is probably your unit finding out about Mr. Chatterjee's wife in Doncaster. No need to worry about your unit, though you might need to call an ambulance for Mr. Chatterjee.

If there are more inquiries or technical issues, feel free to contact us at 1800-221-895. Ask for Steve Thompson.

**A/N: Mrs. H is so much harder to write than the others, but I love her mother-son relationship with the boys so much I just had to make this ^^**

**As always, reviews are much appreciated =) **


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